God Bat Us, Every One!
November 2009
A Batmas Carol
by Little Shimmy Dickens
Old Bob Marley was dead: to begin with. There was no doubt whatever about that. As dead as a doornail, and buried somewhere in Jamaica. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story we are going to relate.
Did Eleanora Screwge know he was dead? Of course she did, and refused to listen to reggae evermore. Oh! But she was a lazy bum at the grindstone, Screwge was! a b*ll-busting, carousing, man-chasing, Spade-buying, martini-drinking, middle-aged sinner! Soft and sagging as an old balloon; flirty and cougarish, and fond of eating oysters--fried. She carried her own high temperature always about with her; she iced her office to accommodate her hot flashes, and didn't thaw it one degree at Holiday time.
"I wish to be with my buds," said Screwge. "Since you ask me what I wish, Batfans, that is my answer. I make merry myself at the Holidays and I want to make idle people merry. Let them visit me--not those three freakin’ ghosts who haunted me last year--on the 5th of December, at Natasha’s Bar and Bistro, for the annual Holiday Sweater Smackdown. Or on December 16th, for Music Over Lexington at Bakers 360, high atop the Chase Tower in downtown Lexington.”
And so it was. Batfans drinking the Spirits of Past, Present, and Future converged as Screwge wished, carousing until their humbugs ached, their Cratchits were warm at last, and their Tims were no longer tiny.
“Dagnabbit, Every One!” cried Eleanora Screwge, knocking back a full stein of Wassail. "I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a schoolgirl. I am as giddy as a drunken woman. Happy Holidays to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world! Hallo here! Whoop! Hallo!”
And thus it was that Eleanora Screwge spent the Holiday Season in the pokey for disturbing the peace. Oh well.
THE END
THE BATS
Annual Holiday Sweater Smackdown
Natasha’s Bistro and Bar
8:00 on Saturday, December 5
Cover $10
Reservations: 859-259-2754
THE BATS
Music Over Lexington at Bakers 360
5:30 on Wednesday, December 16
Free Admission and Hors d’oerves!
Cash bar
Self-parking is available in the Chase Tower garage for $2.
Batgram archive!